Find Your Own Way

I was mixing colors for my underpainting, and I thought of what kind of color is this turning out to be? Red Oange? Dark Orange? Yellow Orange? So many results can happen.

Then it came to mind how I used to paint with pre-mixed paint (sometimes still do now) in specific labeled colors. Yellow Ochre, Phthalo Blue, Crimson. And when I run out of those, I would stop painting, until I have the exact colors again.

I used to color within the lines. As I was taught when I was a kid. Like so many of us, I would imagine. Yet there was always a push and pull between the rigid and the free.

I was looking at other artists, trying to choose, who would I want to emulate. Who will I follow?

Yet it didn't work because I couldn't find the style that resonates with me. Absolutely, I admire many creators. Not just in painting. And in many ways I know, and have "tried" to do what they do. But again, without fulfillment. It didn't settle in my heart, nor ignite my fire.

And so I looked back, as a kid, I have been quite odd. My internal world was so rich and colorful, and of course no one else knew about it. But I colored within the lines, and was afraid to shine.

There were many people who encouraged my potentials, but it didn't come from the people I expected. And therefore, did not believe them. I chose to wait for those who I wanted the validation from. Because they were the ones I wanted to please, to be proud of me.

And so, many many years have passed. I got used to doing the "enough". To whose standards and measure? My own calculations of "with this, I will not outshine so and so, but I would still be good enough." I have been the one who was blocking my way all along. I have put up the walls and decided on how big my box would be. It never occurred to me that the box, the lines, the enclosure was not required. Nor were they necessary.

I was afraid to be someone without a definite label. A surrealist, abstractionist, realist. I believed I have to be in a certain discipline, to ultimately be called an artist. I believed I have to be validated, stamped, certified. And so, I held back, because I couldn't do the rigid discipline.

Only until it dawned on me, what being an artist really mean. It's being someone who produces paintings or drawings. Someone who practices ANY creative arts. And by God, I am already that.

I couldn't find someone to emulate, look up to nor follow. Only because, there is no one like me and I am not like anyone.

So I have found my own way and there's so much freedom in it. No one to compare to, nothing to follow.

To just be as I am in every moment of creation. In the fullness of my skills, my talents, my heart. And to allow it all to be seen. That is more than 'good enough".