Sovereignty

Chaos is not always loud. Battles are not always seen. There are so many things other people do not witness. So many experiences unshared.

I found myself at many points of resentment in my journey. While it helped that I sought to understand the whys, I also wanted to be right. I also wanted to be compensated for all the pain and suffering. I also wanted to be acknowledged that yes, I was a victim of other people's actions.

All through that, my mind became clearer yet my heart felt heavier. I did not want to forgive without being asked for forgiveness. I wanted to say so many things.

Until I got tired of it all. Scripts running through my mind in constant loop. Feeling the anger and hatred even when the scenes are just remembered or imagined. I got so tired of it. I didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve the self-harm of repressed emotions. Eating away my power and worth.

So I decided to forgive. Myself first and then others. Even those who continue to act the same until today.

I decided to take back my power and never again give it away. I declared that no one can disempower me whether known or unconscious to me. Without my knowledge nor consent, no one can take my life energy. I am the one who does the choosing. I am sovereign over my own life.

That's when I started to clear away the cobwebs in my mind. Knowing that I have to shed light on all that is hidden. I need to surface the wounds, for them to heal and stop rotting my Spirit. I decided to also look at what's beautiful beyond the ugliness of my past.

I continue to give myself grace. To forgive over and over. Without anyone witnessing nor knowing.

It is not always loud. It is not always seen. Yet for every thing inside of me that I surface and bring into the light, I get to heal. I get to do something about it, whether to express it, to forgive it, to release it. Instead of keeping them, escaping or pretending they don't exist. Instead of making up versions of how things happened. I choose to see through the lense of truth. I deserve a truthful life.

And what's true for me now is that I am free. Free from shame and guilt. From what if's and could have's. While my self-worth wanes at times, I am still grateful. I know I am loved. And I can always choose how to be.

That is what gives me peace.

The knowing that no matter what, I am always loved. Always have been and always will be.